Pretend you are nothing
by annuarizonatorres
Summary: Is a confession going to ruin Rizzoli&Isles' friendship ? A story about Jane and Maura's relationship. A lot of drama and a lot of love, all together. I won't tell you more, just try to read it, tell me what you think about it !
1. Chapter 1

**I just wanted to write something about those two beautiful women. I love the show and I wanted to write my version of their relationship. Please, let me know what you think about this, I need to know if I should go on with this or just leave it in my mind. Send me your comments/reviews, they are really important to me.**

_I feel sick, incredibly sick. I'm sitting here, in my office, crying my heart out for something that's been haunting me for months. Something that I'd like to throw away, something that I keep pretending I am not feeling. But I need to do something. Why can't science just help me solve this ? I am a great medical examiner, I help solving murders and I can't get over somebody who can't love me back ? I'd like to understand how love works, why can't a person just fall in love with somebody able to love them back ? I have tried to hide this for so much time I can't even rember when I started feeling like this. Love is magical, but only when shared. It's killing me, I can't even focus on my work. I should be working now, but I can't stop thinking about..._

"Maura ?"

Silence. Awkward.

"Maura ? Where are you ?"

Nothing again.

_Where in the hell is she ?_

Approaching her best friend's office, Jane heard somebody softly sobbing. She would have recognized those sobbs among thousands.

"Maura, are you okay ?" She slowly hugged the medical examiner, concearned.

"Fine. Yes. I am fine. Totally fine."

"Maura, stop it, please. Just tell me what's wrong ! You're acting weird, actually, you've been acting weird for months ! What's the matter with you ?"

Maura pulled away from the hug and got up, facing Jane.

_It's time for me to talk._ _Now or never._

"You wouldn't understand, Jane. It's so complicated it hurts, I can't talk about this, it just makes me incredibly sick." She started crying again. "I... I need time to process, I have tried for a long time to pretend it wasn't real, but it's just too big I can't hide it anymore."

"You can trust me."

"I know, Jane. I know. I... I just don't want to talk about it. It hurts, too much."

A little moment of silence. "Just let me hug you, then." Jane hugged Maura before walking away. "Come find me when you're ready."

_I find myself alone in my office, again. When Jane's here, I feel safe. I feel like nothing's happening, I should have asked her to stay. _ _I don't know what to do. I know that I can't trust her, she's my best friend. But what if she doesn't understand ? What if she thinks I am completely mad ? She already thinks that I am a weird whiny pain in the ass, isn't it enough ?  
_

That night, Jane was having dinner with Frost. She normally would have had dinner with Maura, but she had called to say that she had to take care of Bass.

"I am worried, Frost. I don't know why she keeps trying to lie to me, we all know that she gets all itchy when she lies. Why is she doing this ? I need to know what's hunting her, what if she's in danger ?"

"I don't think she's in danger, Jane. You are a homicide detective, I think she'd ask for your help if somebody was threatening her. She's just not ready, she'll tell you, someday."

"I, uhm... I don't know. I have waited for months for an answer and she still doesn't know if she can trust me, she doesn't know if she can talk to me about something that's basically killing her. I am her best friend, Frost. What's wrong ?" she sighed, uncertain how to go on.

"Give her the time she needs, Jane."

"I can't be patient anymore."

She took her jacket and got up, "I'll see you tomorrow" She walked away, leaving Frost speechless.

She looked for her keys, tensely. She was nervous, she didn't know what to expect, but she really needed to know.

She parked her car in front of Maura's house and she waited several minutes before walking towards the door.

"Oh, hi Jane. What are you doing here ?" A surprised Maura opened the door.

"I need to know, Maura. Just tell me. I'm not going to say anything, but I am really worried about you. I can't see you like this, I know that you're hurt and you probably think that there's nothing that I can do to help, but maybe I can, Maura. Trust me, please trust me. I can't go on like this, I can't pretend that I don't see how destroyed you are. It's so wrong to see you like this. I need to know, I need to do something to help you."

Silence. Again. It was always like that. Jane had tired several times to make Maura talk, but she just wouldn't.

And then, it hit Jane like a train.

"Oh, God. Maura, are you sick ?" Jane felt the tears coming, but she had to stay calm, to make Maura understand that she was strong enough to support her.

_Maybe I should just say that I am sick. That I am dying and that's why I have been such a whiner for the past months. It surely would be easier, for me. But, maybe, it would destroy her. Maybe it would make her sick as much as I am, maybe she'd go crazy. No, I can't do this._

"I am not sick, Jane." She finally said, staring at the floor.

"Thank God." Jane just couldn't talk anymore, she just hugged Maura tightly, to make sure she understood how much she cared about her. "I was so scared I might lose you, Maura. I can't lose you. So please, tell me what's the problem. Tell me."

"Jane it's too much. I don't think you could handle it. I mean, it's just so complicated..."

"IT HURTS. I already know, Maura. I know it's so complicated it hurts, I know you can't hide it anymore, I know it's too much to handle. I know, Maura. I know. Now please stop, tell me !"

A moment of silence, Jane was looking at Maura, who was still staring at the floor. Jane could see Maura's tears falling on the flooer, she placed bot her hands on Maura's shoulder.

"I am sorry I screamed. But I am worried, Maura."

Finally, Maura was looking at her in the eye, still crying. Her eyes were red and puffy, it was painful for Jane to see her like this.

"I am in love." Maura finally said. "With you, Jane."


	2. Chapter 2

It was exaclty what she was running from.

Those big brown eyes were wide open, looking at her in disbelief. It was exactly what Maura was expecting. It was _too complicated_, it was _too much to handle_, it was something she _couldn't hide anymore_. She was just waiting for Jane to say something, even if she thought she might had to watch her run away. Maura didn't exactly know what she was waiting for, she knew that her confession might have ruined everything. She knew she should have kept it for herself, because telling Jane that she was in love with her meant only one thing.

_Losing her._

"Can I have a beer ?"

After eight long minutes of silence, Jane came up with something. It was beer, yes, but it was better than running.

"Uhm, sure, I guess."

Maura was surprised.

_A beer ? I tell her that I am in love with her and she asks for some beer ?_ Well, at least she didn't run.

Jane sat down on Maura's couch, waiting patiently for her beer. She didn't know what to say, she didn't know how to react without ruining everything. She had asked for a beer because she didn't know how to begin what she had to say and she needed some more time to process what her best friend had just told her. It was so unbelievable, what was she going to do ? It was the last thing she had thought about. She had thought about being sick, being tired of her job, suffering because of her father, or her sister, her mother maybe. She would have never imagined a love confession.

Never.

She waited for Maura to hand her her beer and then she asked her to sit down, next to her.

"I am sorry, Maura."

_Oh, no. I ruined everything. I need to learn how to shut up, I am so stupid. I'm losing her and I'll never see her ever again. Shit._

Maura looked defeated, trying desperately to hold her tears.

"Don't.

It felt weird. It was weird to watch you telling me that you are in love me. But it felt amazing, too." She took both Maura's hand and she squeezed them. "I'm sorry if I asked for a beer right after your confession, but I needed time to process this. I was so scared you were going to tell me that I was going to lose you that I was almost freaking out. I am sorry if I pushed you, I'm sorry if I made you feel uncomfortable, but I was really scared. I've watched you getting worse and worse every day for months and I really couldn't stand it anymore. I've wondered many times why, I couldn't understand why I kept trying to protect you, I couldn't understand why I kept worrying about you. I know why, Maura."

Maura couldn't look at her, she just kept staring at their hands, tightenend together. She felt like she was going to lose that special connection, she couldn't lose the most important thing in her life.

"Jane, please." she stopped for a while, trying to find the courage to face her. "Don't tell me that you were worried because you care about me, I already know that. And I care about you, too. I love you, Jane. You are the most important thing in my life and I really need to know if you are going to tell me that _we can stay friends. _

I can't be your friend, not anymore. I have tried to pretend that we could be just friends for months, Jane, but I can't hide my feelings for you anymore. It's just too painful, it's too hard for me to tell everybody that you're my best friend when I can't stop thinking about you as something _mine_. I look at you and I see everything I've ever wanted and it hurts me everytime I see you smiling because I know that you'll never be mine."

Pain was filling the room. There was a brief moment of silence, the two women could only hear Maura's sobbs, while Jane was trying to hold her breath. She could feel that her cheecks were wet, but she knew she didn't have to cry, not anymore. She was looking at Maura, who was still watching their hands. Maura raised her head and they found themselves staring at each other, tears rushing down their faces.

"I am so sorry, Maura. I am sorry I didn't tell you."

"What ?" Maura was even more surprised, trying to talk through the tears.

"I'm sorry I didn't tell you that I am in love with you." Jane stopped for a while, she wanted to see Maura's reaction. She saw her eyes widening and an amazing new light was enlightening her face. Maura smiled and wiped away her tears, before wiping away Jane's. That smile was so big it was warming Jane's heart, once again. "I'll never get used to that smile. You're just so special, Maura."

Maura kept smiling, she couldn't stop anymore. She touched Jane's cheek and then she kissed her, passionately.

Their first kiss felt like a thousand of fireworks exploding all together. They couldn't stop smiling, that kiss was so important to both of them they just wanted to stay like that forever. No one wanted to pull away, they just kept kissing and smiling and laughing for hours.  
They had kept their love for one another a secret for months, it was a relief to finally be able to say it out loud.

"I love you, I love you, I love you." Maura kept repeating it, but Jane just kept kissing her.

"Stop saying that, I could easily get used to hearing it." She smiled before kissing Maura again.

"I love you, Jane Rizzoli."

"I love you, Maura Isles."


End file.
